Foundational Concepts
Shadow
That part of our being which we repress, hide and deny, even from ourselves. Carl Jung, Freud’s protégé, suggested that when we represses an aspect of our being it will inevitably express itself—typically in a sideways manner. We all have the capacity to know the breadth and depth of what it is to be human, both the beauty and the horrors. Taking ownership of those aspects of our being is the only way we can truly have power over them. We must move through the discomfort of our contracted emotions if we are to harness the power and the lessons they can teach us.
That which we deny becomes more and more primitive. Carl Jung
Just as our emotions have something to teach us about ourselves, there is typically a golden intention behind our shadows. Often we engage in behaviors that, at some level of our being, are intended to re-create our dramas so we may finally change our ineffective ways of being—what Fritz Pearls calls resolving “unfinished business.” By looking honestly at our behaviors we can gain great insight and use our awareness to manifest a new way of being.
Emotions (E)
Our emotions are a gift—all of which reveal something about ourselves and are among our best teachers, if we allow. However, in this culture we are note mentored on how to express our emotions in generative ways, how to use our emotions to evolve our thinking and extend our personal boundaries, nor how to channel them to manifest a powerful future. You can learn how to harness your power and experience the richness of life by mastering the domain of emotions, along with their counterparts of language and the body. Understood within the context of making a choice (see Choice below), one can see that developing a rich emotional landscape is, perhaps, the greatest endeavor we can pursue towards living a rich life and transforming our world.
Developing a rich emotional landscape is key to developing wisdom. In Ontological Coaching, emotions are, linguistically, a predisposition to action (that that puts us in motion). That is, when we are in an emotion we are predisposed to act in certain ways and not in others. This understanding is critical, particularly in the context of making choices (which is addressed below). When feeling angry, for example, we assess an injustice or a boundary violation and are predisposed toward wanting to punish someone, whereas when we’re feeling joy we assess a desire fulfilled and are predisposed toward celebration.
Your emotions are habit. Try this little exercise: Cross your fingers and notice which index finger is on top. Now ignoring your thumbs, switch so that the opposite index finger is on top. For most people the sensation is “uncomfortable” or “weird.” There is nothing in our genetic code, our DNA, nothing regarding being right or left handed that causes us to cross our fingers in a particular manner. The comfort that you feel in one direction is purely a product of habit. You have practiced crossing your fingers in one way over a period of time until enough neuro-pathways have aligned in your brain to create this habit. What many of us fail to recognize is that we have developed our emotions in a similar fashion.
Our emotions can be understood as an adaptation to the context of the immediate environment or micro-culture in which we were raised. We have developed our own unique way of responding emotionally. Have you ever heard someone say, “get over it”? This is a common example where another person is not having the same emotional experience of a situation or phenomenon. A common error people make is to assume that their emotional reaction is universal and, perhaps more importantly, they assume that their emotion makes them right. This sense of rightness seems to commonly become a righteousness to which one becomes resigned.
When we learn the proper context for our emotions and how to effectively express them they become a powerful ally for generating our desired future, rather than something we attempt to avoid, repress or deny.
The distinction we make about an emotion is that it is in response to some phenomenon which is immediately present in our environment.
Moods
Moods are, simply put, an emotional state that is present regardless of the context or immediate environment. For example, someone who assesses that they’ve experienced severe or repeated betrayals may adopt a mood of fear or mistrust, regardless of what they are doing or who they are interacting with.
Deconstructing mood states can be a profoundly transformational experience, particularly when one recognizes how they have been limiting their perceptions and thus their choices as a consequence of that mood. As with emotions, reconsidering or re-framing our underlying assessments can create dramatic shifts and have lifelong impact in this domain.
Language (L)
Language is commonly understood to be descriptive. What is often not recognized are the ways in which language is generative. An obvious example might be to schedule a dinner or meeting with someone. The linguistic act is generating a new possible future that didn’t exist before the conversation (thinking is included as a linguistic act). What is less obvious is that from our emotion or mood states we often unconsciously generate a possible future. When coming from fear, for example, one might assess that the risk of loss is too great. Thus, the possible future being generated, the predisposition, might be to withdraw.
Often in conversations you can here where someone has heard someone else’s assessments (interpretations or evaluations) and are living them as assertions (declaration; statement as fact). The stories one tells and the assessments they share can reveal much about both their immediate (micro) culture and their heritage (macro culture). Deconstructing which values are intrinsic (core; true for the individual) versus those that are extrinsic (those which have been imposed by those of authority) can create profound awareness and opportunities for transformation.
Language shapes thought and is the bearer of culture. Vygotsgy
The Body (B)(Somatics)
Have you ever heard someone who is slouching over, head and eyes down, shoulders hunched saying, “I’m okay”, or been in an argument with someone who said, “that’s not what I said!”–though you were certain that they communicated a different message than their words conveyed? Depending on which study you read, somewhere around 85% of communications is nonverbal. We communicate much through our body’s disposition (posture) and movements. There are certain dispositions that actually change our blood chemistry and signal to our body that we are in fear mode. Becoming present to the ways in which we contract and expand in our body can give us clues as to what is happening in the other domains. We can use this awareness to shift our body and create new habits appropriate and congruent with what we want to manifest in our lives.
“I didn’t say a word.” (Overheard in an argument) “OH, yes you did. You just didn’t use words to say it!” (Partner)
Choice
Most of us presume that the process of making a choice happens in the rational or reasoning portion of the brain. Studies of the brain have revealed that this is not the case. The process of making a choice actually occurs in the limbic brain (the emotional portion). This has profound implications for us as learners, parents, citizens, friends and lovers. The emotion(s) or mood(s) we make choices from is often completely transparent to us, yet it shapes our entire lives. The choices we make from a contracted state such as fear, anger or shame are often very different than the choices when perceived through a lens of compassion, joy or love.
(People) heap together the mistakes of their lives and create a monster they call Destiny. ~John Hovs
One of the most debilitating moods, common to most, is a mood of resignation. From a mood of resignation we are predisposed to choose to not take action. Lynne Twist describes this as the worst element of a scarcity mentality, “That’s just the way it is!” In other words, we have a tendency when in a mood of resignation to describe our perspective as Reality, rather than recognizing that we’re making a choice from an emotional state of being.
It’s not simply that people don’t learn from experience: their feelings of inadequacy lead them to try harder and hold tighter to common beliefs that create (suffering). David Schnarch, Passionate Marriage.
In coaching, we observe our language to understand what future is being created through the language we are using, notice how is our body (contracted or expanded) is supporting that possible future, and reflect upon the emotions have we learned which allowed us to adapt, cope or survive our childhood culture—an adaptation that is simply no longer serving us to attain what we desire today—to understand the coherency of who we are being in this moment. Where there is incongruence we examine the conflicted messages with curiosity. With this new awareness we are able to claim the power of our choices without shame and develop a strategy to achieve becoming the woman / man whom we desire to be. That strategy typically involves practicing a new way of being—somatically, linguistically and emotionally. We draw upon our innate drives to grow and thrive with emphasis on resilience, health, human potential and spirit as our bedrock, generating possibilities for a new future—a future of our creation.
