Again and again she would ask me for money, to give her a ride, to loan her something warm to wear, and on and on… Again and again I wanted to support her as an expression of my love and concern for her; I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt, hoping that this time her words would be more than just words.

And yet they never were.

Again and again I ended up bitter and resentful. Again and again I blamed her, demonized her and, on occasion, even punished her, at one point I quit speaking with her for over a year. I reported to everyone that she was not trustworthy—and I applied that assessment of not trustworthy across every domain of her life, even if she might have been trustworthy in other areas.

Until my epiphany: I actually can trust her….to be exactly who she is! Knowing her as an alcoholic and pathological liar, I could completely trust her to lie and manipulate, even when it made no sense to lie or manipulate.

It wasn’t her that I couldn’t trust. It was me.

I could not trust myself to make and hold appropriate boundaries with her. I could not trust myself to take care of me and allow her to deal with her own issues. I could not trust myself to give freely—without expectation—knowing she could not help but betray any commitment she would make, no matter how strong her initial intention.

Today before I point the finger of mistrust toward another I first ask myself a few questions:

•What don’t I trust about myself in relation to the characteristic or behavior I’m observing?
•What’s challenging for me about setting a healthy boundary for myself in relation to that characteristic or behavior? Is there something I fear I would lose?
•What self-loving boundary do I need to set for myself to address the territory of concern (a boundary that is about taking care of myself and not about punishing another)?

When I started holding healthy boundaries for myself—after nearly 35 years of not doing so—there was a huge backlash from my sister. For the first couple of years she lashed out at me with a venomous rage. I held my new boundaries firmly and created additional ones to take care of myself. It took a while, but now she’s learned that I’m serious when I state a boundary. Our relationship has become far more loving than it ever was before. And I like to imagine that holding these boundaries has supported her in addressing her addictions, though I see that this thought may be a carryover from my days codependent fantasy thinking.

This perspective on trust has changed my life and all my relationships. I continue to learn how to hold better and better boundaries, and my relationships continue to get deeper and richer as a result. Most importantly, I trust myself more than ever before.

Are there any relationships in your life where you’ve misdirected the issue of trust? How do you feel as you consider the questions I listed above?

The back story…

by Tom Lietaert with Joshua Levin

[author’s note:] So why am I only now writing about The Secret?   Isn’t it passé, already over-analyzed and excessively critiqued?  The Secret has sold over 19 million copies and is still going strong. And Rhonda Byrne’s new book, The Power, soared to Amazon’s top five in its first week out.  So, while The Secret may be old news for some of us, its impact and appeal remains current. Its popularity makes sense given our quick-fix culture. And as we will see—with fresh eyes and a clear path to authentic fulfillment—we can use this phenomenon as an opportunity to grow.

Once upon a time a movie called The Secret rolled into town like a proud hero on his powerful white stallion. There was great intrigue, excitement, and promises of a new world of possibilities.  The theme of the movie is manifestation, a concept rooted in the Universal Law of Attraction. Simply put, the idea is that we have the ability to literally manifest (bring forth into existence) anything we want into our lives. All we need do is master the techniques laid forth in the movie and enduring happiness will be ours. Sounds pretty good, right?

But many who watched the movie had a sense that something was missing, that the message was misguided. I certainly did. My hope is that by sharing my perspective, and the 3 Keys for Manifesting a Rich Life exercise, I can assist you in using the Law of Attraction in a more satisfying and successful way.

While watching the movie I had a wrenching feeling. I sensed a shadow lurking behind The Secret. I assessed it to be a marketing gimmick—a cleverly wrapped, common marketing tool presenting materialism as a source of happiness and well being. I saw multiple examples of material manifestations, but I wanted to see some mention of spiritual principles in which to ground this information. At the end of the video I found myself asking, “For the sake of what am I manifesting?” And further, “How am I, or the world, better off as a result of my manifesting?”

I realized the great potential for emotional pain for those unable to effectively manifest what they want. They could easily use this apparent failure as evidence of their unworthiness. I envisioned multitudes manifesting resource-intensive goods without regard for the welfare of the planet or anything else beyond their own instinctual desires. Further, when a society adopts a paradigm of manifesting that is ungrounded in spiritual principles, it’s not just the materially poor who suffer. The rich are impacted in a detrimental way too. They tend to develop a sense of entitlement or righteousness, which strengthens their resistance to change and often further isolates them in their attempt to feel empowered.

After hearing so many great reviews about the movie I found myself stewing with anger. As a life coach with training in psychology, I know that one component of anger is that it’s a direct link to our deeply held values, which may be lying unexpressed or even be completely unknown to us. When I allowed my anger with The Secret to connect me to my core values, I was inspired to develop the 3 Keys for Manifesting a Rich Life process and to create Intimacy with Money, a transformational program that aligns people’s money habits with their core values. I discovered a pearl in my angry experience of The Secret. That pearl is a component of my life’s purpose and mission: to create a just, equitable, harmonious, and loving world by transforming our relationships with money.

Does it really matter what we strive to manifest? The popular belief proposed in the movie is that if you want to manifest gold, the universe will deliver gold to you. The supporting belief is that there’s always enough for everyone and that there is enough goodness in the world to counter any potential detrimental consequences.

Perhaps. But to me this is a convenient argument absolving those with material excesses from any sense of responsibility for the outcomes of their choices. If we manifest a chemically toxic environment because we all have resource-intensive, toxic mansions attained by destructive means—such as the huge home illustrated in The Secret—then it must be our children’s karmic destiny to deal with the mess. This is a Calvinistic worldview in which those successful at manifesting are by definition good and righteous and are therefore rewarded, while the rest of us are condemned as not being good enough.

Would it not be prudent to err on the side of caution and consider that there are consequences to our desires? What if I create my personal reality, and we co-create our collective reality? If the sins of the parent are passed on seven generations, then what are the consequences for all that we manifest? I believe that it does matter what we want or seek to manifest, and that there are consequences for all that we choose, both individually and collectively. I believe that there are circumstances beyond our control, not born of our manifestations. (And while we may not be responsible for manifesting them, we ARE responsible for the manner in which we react or respond to them. This is where we can experience real power and authentic choice in our lives.)

What if you were to start your manifesting process by assuming that there are consequences for all of your choices and manifestations, both for yourself and others? What if you were to focus your energies towards manifesting that which embraces and celebrates the interconnectedness of all beings and things? What if you were to stop self-medicating with material wants and expend your energies on introspection, endeavoring to create a rich emotional landscape and finding your fulfillment from within? To suggest that there are consequences for our choices and what we manifest in our lives does not contradict the principles of manifesting, but rather grounds these principles.

Most people believe that their choices are rational. But the process of making a choice does not actually occur in the reasoning part of the brain (the frontal cortex). Choice occurs in the limbic brain (the emotional center). Advertisers know that creating a positive emotional response to their product results in sales. This is why so many beer commercials show average guys getting the super hot, scantily clad, sexually available, wildly horny stripper models. Advertisers, knowing we live in a shame-based culture, target their marketing to appeal to our longings. They feed our sense of inadequacy and try to convince us that we can be worthy and special if we purchase their product. It’s a seductive quick fix that encourages us to avoid deeper issues. This is the same reason people flock to get-rich-quick seminars.

But when we make a choice from a mood of scarcity, we generate more scarcity. It’s become clear to me that the choices we make from a mood of scarcity and what we imagine we want are not actually aligned with our deeper, truer desires—what I call our soul’s desires. Therefore, even if we manifest something substantial in our lives we will likely still feel unfulfilled. Perhaps this is why, despite Americans having more material wealth than ever before in history, most of us report being less happy. In order to manifest in a way that is both sustainable and truly satisfying, we must learn to shift our emotion and mood space to end the habits of scarcity. Fortunately, we can use our wants as a key to unlocking the mystery of our soul’s desires.

My 3 Keys process is designed to put you in touch with your soul’s desire. You can receive a FREE copy of it when you sign up for the Sacred Odyssey newsletter. Simply scroll to the top right side of almost any page on the website to find the newsletter registration.  I’m confident that if you practice these 3 Keys you will experience a richer life, manifest more powerfully and experience more joy in what you do manifest. I have used these keys with great success in my own life as well as in my coaching practice and my Intimacy with Money program. Give it a try, and explore a deeper and more conscious way that the Law of Attraction can indeed enrich your life!

Blessings,

Tom Lietaert